We need a funny thread

[Rhubarb]

[Rhubarb]

[The UnUsual Suspect]

On 4/28/2017 at 2:58 PM, Rhubarb said:

I'm curious about some Americanisms:

Why is it Ark-en-saw but kanz-ass?

Why is it NYPD but FDNY?

Lemonade is made from lemons - so gatorade is made from??? (I'm not sure if I want to go there)

Rhubarb, everyone loves Duck Sauce, but which end of the duck does the sauce come out of?  and is there a way to get it out without killing the duck?

[Rhubarb]

I would presume whichever end isn't taped ;)

[The UnUsual Suspect]

my next question was where the tape comes from?

[Rhubarb]

 "Anatiferous, adjective: Producing ducks."

(Dr Johnson's dictionary)

[joymor1993]

 

Advertising has gone wrong. Good luck to the marketing team of this print ad. 

[Rhubarb]

[Rhubarb]

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter's morning;
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back;
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later;
"Computer really knackered now."

[cassie]

ROFL!!

[Rhubarb]

[Rhubarb]

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.


Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods!

[Rhubarb]

Can I just ask everyone a huge favour please? Those of you who are planning to put Christmas lights around the outside of your houses, garden walls etc. please will you avoid anything blue and flashing? Every time I drive past I think it’s the police and have a mild panic attack. I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, apply the brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor and hide my beer. It’s extra drama I really don’t need!
I appreciate your cooperation and understanding and hope I’ve given you all plenty of notice.

 

[Rhubarb]

famous last words

"I'm bored with it all." Winston Churchill
"Tape Seinfeld for me." Harvey Korman
"This is no way to live." Groucho Marx
"Goodbye, Kid. Hurry back." Humphrey Bogart
"I desire to go to h*** and not to Heaven. In the former I shall enjoy the company of popes, kings and princes, while in the latter are only beggars, monks and apostles." Niccolo Machiavelli
"Pardon me, Sir, I meant not to do it." Marie Antoinette after stepping on the executioner's foot
"My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. Either the wallpaper goes, or I do." Oscar Wilde
"Jakie, is it my birthday, or am I dying?" Lady Astor
"Prepare my swan costume." Anna Pavlova
"On the contrary!" Henrik Ibsen on being asked if he felt any better
"Now why did I do that?" Sir William Erskine just as he jumped off a balcony
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something important." Pancho Villa

[cassie]

Famous quotes...

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” – George Carlin

“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Norman Wisdom

 

[Rhubarb]

[Rhubarb]

[Derrick01]

Two Friends meet up in a Bar.

The first one asks,

“Did you hear the news – Mike is DEAD...??!!!”

 “Whoa, what the h*** happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die”..

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor.

Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go, that’s terrible”..

“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that.

He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor.

In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go”..

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that.

So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen.

He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”

“Man, what a way to go”..

“No no, he survived that, he survived that..!

He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now that is one awful way to go”..

“Hold on now, just how the h*** did he die”..??

 

“I Shot Him”..

“You Shot Him..?? What the h*** did you Shoot him for”..??

“Cos, he was wrecking my f***ing House

Edited October 24, 2019 by Derrick01 (see edit history)

[Rhubarb]

[Rhubarb]

[cassie]

That's actually happened to me a couple of times!!... Although it was my index finger and thumb to a pair of tweezers, believe it or not!... LOL!!

[Rhubarb]

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

[cassie]

Bob left work one Friday evening.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Rhubarb]

BREAKING NEWS ...

John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19, he had chills they were multiplying and he was losing control, but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.

[cassie]